Heal Financial Infidelity

Couples saying their wedding vows don’t promise to be completely honest about all financial information from this day forward.

Maybe they should, because not being honest about finances can wreck a marriage.

Signs of financial dishonesty may be:

• A concealed bank or credit card account
• Cash missing from accounts
• Late payments on bills because money is not available
• Hiding or lying about purchases

If dishonesty about finances is putting your marriage at risk, a good place to start the conversation is by having a weekly money date. It may not sound romantic but handling money well as a couple affects every area of your marriage. These weekly money dates are vital because they establish the habit of regular financial conversations when there’s no crisis.

Too many couples don’t even begin a conversation about money unless a problem has surfaced and the panic button has already been pushed. Tension can reach the boiling point in a hurry when blame and defensiveness take over. That’s when it gets personal and hurtful when the couple is in conflict with each other instead of working together to resolve the problem.

The first thing to do on a money date is to start by praying together. Jesus makes this remarkable promise in Matthew 18:19-20, “If two of you agree on earth about anything for which they are to pray, it shall be granted to them by my heavenly Father. For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.” When a couple prays together about their finances, they invite the God of the universe to be personally involved with how they earn, spend, save and give.

After praying, review your income and spending to make sure that you are both aware of your current financial status. Focus on the facts and don’t argue or nag one another! Instead, use it as a time to discover the facts, because couples simply make better decisions when they are both fully aware of their financial situation. In addition to looking at the past week, consider what is coming in the future. Is there a big expense on the horizon that needs to be planned? For example, your money dates in July are a perfect time to discuss back to school expenses.

Your money date should end by celebrating success, no matter how small those successes are. Celebrating is important because you are more likely to continue your progress if you celebrate along the way. Maybe the first date is simply celebrating the fact that you have started a conversation.

Married couples will always face financial challenges, and the best way to face those challenges is by intentionally creating a culture of prayer, encouragement, gratitude, and celebration.

Financial infidelity can be a very challenging matter to overcome in a marriage. It’s often a core symptom of two people who aren’t communicating well and have different visions for their future, which results in a damaged relationship.

One way to build trust and communication skills is to share your goals because a discussion about goals naturally includes a discussion about finances.

Each of you should separately make a list of ten goals that are truly important to you. What things do you want out of life in the next 5, 10 or 20 years? Don’t worry about what your spouse may be writing, just write down what is most important to you. Then when you each have your list, compare them.

Like any couple, you are going to have some shared goals and you’re going to have some personal goals. That’s a good thing—it’s healthy and normal.  What’s not healthy is when you allow your personal goals to overtake your joint goals as a couple. By sharing what is important to each of you, as a couple, you can agree to focus your financial efforts on the items that overlap.

As you work through these goals together, you may discover things you didn’t know. Maybe your spouse has hidden some financial transactions from you.

Let’s be honest. We’re all human. We all do things that we regret, usually because we put a very short-term emotion or desire above a long-term plan or goal. If you do discover secrets, forgive your spouse’s mistakes. Jesus tells us we must always forgive. In Matthew 18:21-22 we read: “Then Peter approaching asked him, ‘Lord, if my brother sins against me, how often must I forgive him? As many as seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I say to you, not seven times but seventy-seven times.’”  Instead of concentrating on past mistakes, concentrate on moving forward.

If you and your spouse can’t get through financial differences on your own, you may want to consider marital counseling. For some couples, that can be incredibly helpful. If you’re truly struggling with financial infidelity and the trust in your relationship has eroded, counseling will help. Financial infidelity can be overcome, of course, but it requires honest effort from both parties.

Accusations won’t solve the problem, nor will anger. It takes time, trust, communication, and calmness. And it takes a lot of prayers. Moving forward isn’t about “winning” or “losing,” it’s about finding a new direction that works for both of you. In Mark 10:8, we hear the verse about how two will become one flesh.

And that mindset is absolutely required in a marriage—even when it comes to finances.

Listen to the Compass Catholic podcast for more on this topic.